I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My balls are so social today.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
