I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
