Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
