i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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