that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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