I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
