I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
