It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This baby is an asshole
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
