I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
