Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
