I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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