I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
