My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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