I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
