my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
