we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
