I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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