Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
