Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
