there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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