I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
