Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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