I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Someone shattered a urinal.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
