we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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