i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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