Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
