Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
