I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i think my mom watched the whole time
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
