I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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