My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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