I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
