Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
foreskin is a definite game changer
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
