atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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