I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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