I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
