Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How does one acquire holy water?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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