well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
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I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
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Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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