Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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