it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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