I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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