you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
