So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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