I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dick very happy bro
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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