Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
