I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
