FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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