Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
