I looked at my own cervix.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
