I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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