If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
