Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
