Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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