I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
