Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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