I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
