my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
