Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
