oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
